Welcome Katia A!!

Katia is an accomplished swimmer who will be swimming in the 2023 iSwim4 Catalina Channel Relay for Social Responsibility

My story starts very far away in Siberia, where the weather drops below 40 degrees and stoicism is a way of life by default. My parents were very young when I was born – my dad was 19 and became a college dropout in order to support me with no help from anyone and no guidance. My mom had no encouragement or guidance either, she was a child of a teen mom and a man, who was taken early by alcoholism. They did try to raise me, but clearly, there were no means and just surviving mostly. They did quit drinking and smoking themselves in their early 20s and did make it clear to me that addiction is our family’s worst enemy.

Since I was a little kid, I started studying English, and at the age of only 4, I fell in love with swimming. There began my love-hate story with swimming… I worked very hard in the pool and when the municipal pool I trained at got privatized and closed athletic programs, my very caring coach at the time transferred me to a recently built new team run by a relatively young coach, just a bit out of town. Little did I know that was when my personal hell would begin. Situation at home was not the most comfortable, understandably, with young parents making ends meet and my mom’s unresolved trauma from her tragic upbringing made me the perfect target for my new predatory coach. I was showing good results and qualified to National Championships, but I was also just a tad older than other kids in the team, which meant I would have to travel alone, with the coach. Man manipulated everyone around to show “how caring and dedicated he was”, while behind closed doors we were severely abused: we were punished for any kind of behavior he didn’t like, even laughing would be punishable, by doing extra practices and extra laps, one-on-one with him and no other supervision present. He also used bullying as an isolating tool, where all kids would be encouraged to bully his groomed victim with him publicly taking the lead. During travel training camps and competitions, I found myself being punished more and more: for not making my bed, for not being in bed by 10 pm, for socializing with other swimmers, for snacking, for not finishing my meal, for not swimming fast enough, for not running fast enough, for laughing, etc. etc. etc.

While working really hard in the pool and dreaming of that Olympic dream, I felt like that was my only ticket out – to travel abroad and get on the team there. And I was enduring everything just to get out of this situation. At some point, I got 0.4 seconds close to making that European Cup cut and I was training 3 times a day, 7 days a week, preparing for National Cup to get on that National team. But guess what… Instead of focusing on the championship, all this was a sick ploy of a man to get me isolated, groomed, and assaulted, to leave lifelong scars and trauma of being alone against the evil, while years of abuse would go unnoticed by anyone around and no support, protection or even a kind word from people surrounding me.

At 19, I was offered a job in the United States as a lifeguard, and I signed that contract that day! I took my finals in Uni, completed my last Olympic trials in Russia, and left, for new beginnings. At 21 I started American college and swimming for NCAA. It was my lucky ticket to get educated, for better job opportunities. I have chosen one of the top schools in Division II because Division I would limit my eligibility before I could earn my bachelor’s degree. In 2011 my parents’ business was burnt down to the ground and it affected my mental health greatly. When I attempted to seek support from my university head Coach, he only reminded me how grateful I should be to be there, and the conversation ended at that. I started curing myself with liquor and cigarettes. Every Saturday after a long week and a long nap I would pour myself a glass full and drink till the morning, lots of nights crying like a baby and confusing my teammates with my odd behavior. None of us knew at the time that I was suffering from PTSD and was crying for help, self-medicating with booze and cigarettes. My swimming NCAA career ended on a sour note as well, as during the relay I suffered a panic attack and did not finish our university’s winning relay. At the time, mental health was not yet spoken about, and I was bullied yet again, for having that panic attack, which cost the team a medal. That’s right, a medal… Because in professional sports it’s all about medals. It is dangled in front of you like a carrot and you are jumping through hoops to prove to your coaches that you are GOOD ENOUGH, but you just never ever feel that way. And they do make sure you keep on that mentality, because after all, you are just a player, a recruit, a pawn in the big game, your job is to perform, to put on a show, to go out there and race, no matter what happens behind the scenes: no one cares if your family just lost everything and are being threatened by business partners, no one cares, that you have no means to buy basics and was biking last night to serve in the restaurant till 11 pm after practice and then got an F in economics because you couldn’t afford to buy a textbook, no one cares if you got assaulted just before walking out on this deck, or even that your knee hurts and you took a bunch of ibuprofen pills to numb your pain – all you have to do is to get out there and put on a show.

After graduation, I found myself in an abusive relationship, where I honestly did not think it was, all the way until just one day, when I felt fear, for the first time, and that was when I packed my bags. In one week, I was living in a dorm-like place in Santa Monica and working a new job. For the next 6 years, I was drinking myself to sleep many nights and eventually pouring vodka into my coffee to make it through the day. I went through many exploitative jobs, sexist and unhealthy working and living environments, where my immigrant status was taken advantage of, which circled me back into drinking even more, just to feel some fake relief from PTSD symptoms, from poverty, loss of identity, and feeling of being exploited as an immigrant who doesn’t know their rights. In 2018 things got so bad that at first, I found myself homeless, I slept in my car but still had my job, but when I found new living arrangements after drifting for a month, eventually I lost that job and had that car repossessed by the government. Those dark times didn’t end there, however, because I thought marriage would save me, but boy was I wrong. As a person in active addiction at the time I gravitated towards another sufferer of addiction with a child abuse history and zero support. Gradually I transferred from being addicted to booze to being addicted to a person as well, or codependent as they say.

Addiction is a powerful and destructive beast that sucks the soul out of the person and their family, it multiplies depression and anxiety, it drains health and finances, fades youth and beauty, devastates love and relationships, it is giving up on yourself, your life, and losing hope for anything better. But I tell you what – I am NOT giving up on my life, because abusers and exploiters told me I was not worthy, I am NOT giving up on my hopes and dreams, on my health and relationships, I will keep fighting! And I will persevere, because I am not a victim, I am a survivor! And no one will take away from me the love of my life – swimming! I am going to swimming now because I love it! Because it is tranquil and peaceful, because it is good for your health, and it is fun!

I am studying in grad school now for my master’s degree, at Pepperdine Graduate School of Education and Psychology and I am spreading the word about mental health. I am sober since the 10th of May 2021 and I intend to keep walking this road, step by step, day by day, healing and building my life in a healthy environment.

I want to bring awareness to mental health, I want to normalize being HUMAN as an athlete and being okay to ask for help, when needed, not being shamed or bullied for it. I also want professional athletes to know that they MATTER, winning that medal or not, making it to the Olympics, or NBA or NHL, or not, they MATTER no matter what! (Pun intended). We love our sport and we love what we do! In a positive supportive environment, with proper mental health resources, we would be competing even better and we would adjust in the world more gracefully, not feeling like we were thrown out after being squeezed like a lemon. We don't have to drink ourselves to oblivion, we MATTER, YOU MATTER